Trust
by svulover1227
Summary: Small fic set during season 16, pre-Forgiving Rollins. Due to the still tense relations, Olivia fails to have Amanda's back during an undercover operation and Amanda suffers as a result. Both struggle with resolving past demons and forgiving themselves. Rated M for violence and mentions of rape, but nothing too graphic.
1. Chapter 1

**I am going to keep writing "Gambler's Forgiveness" but this idea popped into my head and I wanted to see where it went. Set somewhere between "Gambler's Fallacy" and "Forgiving Rollins". Due to recent events, Olivia fails to have Amanda's back during an undercover operation and Amanda is assaulted as a result. The events force both women to face past demons and battle with the concept of trust and forgiveness. It will probably be around 3 or 4 chapters long. Let me know if you want me to continue :)**

Olivia fights the urge to roll her eyes as she allows her "friend" to lean on her for support as "Amy Rollins" gets progressively more drunk. Knowing Amanda she probably is drunk, Liv thinks to herself.

They are undercover at a local bar in which three rapes have occurred over the course of the week. They have been chatting amiably with a charming gentleman for a few minutes now, the sandy-haired, green eyed man taking quite an interest in Amanda. Olivia forces a smile as she hears a drunken giggle escape Amanda's lips. Amanda is good at this. Too good if you ask Olivia. Like she has done this several times before.

Things between the two female cops have been tense more often than not. Olivia still unable to forgive Amanda for her deceit, and Amanda feeling too intimidated by her Sergeant to make up for it. On top of that, Amanda has shown up late to work twice this week and Olivia has not hesitated to ream her out. Amanda is lucky to still have a spot on her team and her tardiness is not conveying appreciation. Deep down Olivia knows that she wouldn't really transfer Rollins from her team. Despite her insubordination, she knows that she is an asset to her team and one of the best detectives she has ever worked with. More importantly she knows that the boys would be devastated, for Amanda has become like a sister to them over the years. She begrudgingly admits that she cares for her detective and would probably miss Rollins as well, not that she has been showing it recently.

Unbeknownst to Olivia, Amanda has also been increasingly irritable. A date was soon approaching. An anniversary of sorts. One that every year she wishes she would forget. Nightmare's have been a frequent occurrence, becoming more vivid with each passing night. After waking up in a cold sweat she tries to stay awake the rest of the night, only accidentally falling asleep a couple of hours before she has to leave for work. Then she is late, gets reamed by Olivia, is thoroughly exhausted and physically sick, rinse and repeat. She knows that this is not a healthy cycle but she is not one to admit when she needs help. Even so with Olivia's icy demeanor and everything being so busy at work, she wouldn't know who to turn to.

Amanda is startled out of her thoughts as this man, who could be their suspect, circles his callous hand around her slim wrist. She stifles a gasp and wills herself not to think back. Not to remember that this is the exact part of her body that he held down. Olivia shoots her a confused look from behind the man's head and she quickly slips back into her role. A slut. That's what she is any ways right?

Olivia feels the pressure on her bladder indicating that she needs to use the bathroom. She debates with herself for a moment. If this were Fin, Nick, or even Carisi she might try and hold it until the operation came to an end but this was Amanda. She has shown quite well that she can handle undercover operations without Olivia's help, or even permission for that matter. She relays to Amanda and the tall gentleman that she has to use the bathroom, but assures rather vehemently that she will be back in under two minutes, eyeing the man a little longer than necessary. She figures that she will go in and out, and the boys on her team would have eyes and ears on Amanda the entire time in the van.

Amanda swallows audibly as Olivia walks away. Unable to admit to herself that she is scared as the grip around her right wrist becomes increasingly tighter. She feels hot breath hit the side of her face as the man leans down and whispers something to her, "What do you say we ditch your friend and get out of here?"

Amanda's breath catches in her throat as she ponders quickly a course of action. She knows they have to try and get him to try something to see if he was the perp and catch him in the act, but she wants Olivia close by when that happens. As anxious as she is around the older woman, she knows that Olivia would intervene if she was being assaulted. "Why don't I wait for my friend to come back before we do that huh? It's her first time in New York and I want to make sure she gets home safe." Instead of heeding her advice however, the man seems to grow more impatient. He snakes is hand beneath her short dress and rests it on the soft skin of her inner thigh.

"C'mon Amy, I'm not a guy who takes no for an answer." She freezes at that, unsure of what she got herself into. Suddenly she is dizzy. Her heart is pounding and her head is heavy. She realizes that he must have slipped something into her drink when she turned to watch Liv go to the bathroom. She feels him snake his arms around her waist and guide her out of the dingy bar. Any hope of the guys watching disintegrates as she feels her necklace cam tugged from her neck and her ear piece and wire snatched from her body. Still incapacitated, she silently prays that Liv trusts her enough to come find her.


	2. Chapter 2

**I have decided to continue this story. I am excluding Nick since he has been gone for a while and I am not comfortable writing him. I am also going to exclude Noah from this story. Warning: this chapter includes a mild description of sexual assault and rape. Nothing too graphic but don't read if this may be a trigger. Let me know what you think/ if I should keep going.**

"No,no, no, shit!" Fin shouts as the audio and visual they previously had on his partner vanishes. "She must have been made. C'mon man we have to go find her," he says frantically to a pale Carsi as he grabs the younger man and they sprint out of the van.

"NYPD! Nobody move!" Carsi yells as they enter the bustling bar.

Fin turns to Carisi to make sure they are on the same page. "Find the manager and get this place shut down now! I want all exits closed. Nobody comes in or out until we find Manda. I'm gonna start showing her picture around and find out where the hell Liv is." He sees the younger man follow his instructions out of the corner of his eye as she rushes off to find Liv. How the hell could she have left his partner alone with a predator? His inquiries are cut short as he sees his Sargent and long time friend coming from the direction of the bathroom. Before he can stop himself or form any coherent thought he starts speaking. "What the hell were you thinking? We lost her. She got made and now she is alone with our prime suspect while he's doing god knows what to her!" He swallows the lump in his throat and takes a deep breath as he sees Liv's feature contort into those of pure horror. He needs to calm down. He knows Liv didn't mean for this to happen and right now their main concern needs to be finding Amanda.

Before he has a chance to apologize and refocus, Liv is talking. "Okay, okay," she begins breathless and shaking. "I realize that you are right and egregious mistakes were made but right now we really need to find her. You and Carisi canvas the building. Show her photo to everyone who might have seen her leave. Check every possible closet or room he could have led her to. I'll report the emergency and call the local precinct for back up and start canvassing alleys around the neighborhood." With that she walks away before giving Fin a chance to respond. She knows that he is right. This is on her. For now, she swallows down her guilt to focus all of her efforts on finding Amanda, praying nothing happens to her detective.

…

"P-please don't" She pushes out as she is roughly pushed into an abandoned alley a few blocks away from the bar. He ignores her, as he leads her behind a dumpster and presses her up against the wall.

"The drugs are taking longer to knock you out than the others. Figures, you being a cop and all." He says, holding her by her neck and chin.

She panics, her body getting heavier by the minute. She is awake but is unable to move any of her limbs.

"I guess we will have to start while your awake, you know, before your friends come looking." He breathes into her ear. "Don't worry Amy, I know you will enjoy this." With that he releases her and watches as she crumbles to the dirty floor.

"I should search you right? With you being a cop. Do you have a gun sweetheart?" He says squatting beside her. She shakes her head, no, unable to speak. "Let's double check sweet cheeks, wouldn't want to risk anything interrupting our time together." She moans loudly in protest as he flips her body so she is spread out on her stomach. He removes her red heels and glides he rough hands slowly up her legs one at a time. He pauses at her inner thighs, rubbing longer than necessary. Next he runs his hands long her arms, and underneath her short dress. He moves so he is inches away from her face, "What do you say we turn this into a strip search?"

Without warning he flips her onto her back and pulls out a knife. "Be a good girl, and I will only use this on your clothes." He raises the blade to just above her chest and brings it down the length of her dress, leaving her exposed and vulnerable, a thin line of blood dotting her skin down her body. She is crying now, tears rolling down her face. She know she has to scream but can't summon the energy to use her breath. "NO!" She finally screams, using the last bit of strength she has left. "Please! No!" She tries to struggle but in her incapacitated state she resembles more of a fish out of water. She breaths again, trying to suck cold air into her lungs. "You, you don't have to do this," she gasps. "You can run away now."

He smiles before punching her in the face. "Oh I'll run, but not before we spend some time together." He responds, lowering his hands to grip tightly around her slim waist. "But you are going to have to stop making so much noise." An angry tone makes itself known as he slaps her in the face a couple more times. She feels blood oozing from her nose and one of her eyes swells shut. "Are you going to be a good girl or do you need some more encouragement," She stares blankly at him in response. He picks up her head and slams it against the ground, then snakes his hand underneath her bra, kneading her breast as he repeats the question louder with more force. "Huh?" says again, twisting her nipple painfully between his fingers. She nods, slowly, unable to respond verbally. "I guess that's good enough, what do you say we get started than?" He replies, a smile once again taking over his features.

…

"Amanda!" Olivia shouts, running faster than she would have thought herself capable down the block from the bar, praying she was going in the right direction. "Check every alley, every corner, every hidden exit!" She shouts to the Unis behind her. Tears are forming in her eyes and her heart is pounding at a concerning pace. That's when she hears it. An almost indiscernible whimper coming from across the street. "Let's move!" She yells running as fast as her legs could carry her.

…

Amanda whimpers loudly as the man pushes into her a second time. Tears are streaming down her cheeks and landing in small puddles of misery on the cold, dirty ground. She closes her eyes, willing herself to take her mind anywhere else in this moment. She is numb, her limbs frozen, as she finally starts to drift off.

Just when she thought it was over, that this relentless man was going to rape her, then kill her when he was finished, she hears a frantic voice. "Amanda! Amanda!"

The man seems to notice it too as he roughly pulls out of her and kicks her in the ribs. "So that's your real name," he starts, pulling his jeans up over his ass. "Well, I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. Amanda." Her breath catches in her throat at the syllables of her name bouncing off of his lips. He takes pleasure in the look of horror he has left on her face as he takes off around the corner.

"Oh god! Amanda!" She sees her Lieutenant rushing toward her. She closes her eyes, face flushing in shame and embarrassment. How will she ever earn back Liv's trust now? She lies naked and battered on the cold floor, unable to even defend herself.

"Canvas the area. I want every cop in a 20 mile radius trying to find this son of a bitch!" Olivia shouts to the Unis surrounding her. She raises her radio to her lips, "10-14 we have an officer down! I need a bus ASAP to the alley behind 53rd street!." She pauses before speaking into the device again, "Fin, I found her. Bus is on the way, alley behind 53rd street.

"I- I'm s-s-sorry Lieutenant," she rasps out around a rough cough escaping her lungs.

"No Amanda," she feels Liv's hands grip around her face and an NYPD jacket drape over her exposed body. "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I am sorry. I am sorry for leaving you alone. For not having your back-" Liv's voice cracks and the tears of remorse and regret that she has been trying vehemently to hold back finally roll down he face. "I have no right to ask for your forgiveness and you have every right to be furious, but I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to be here for you and make this process as easy as possible. You probably will never forgive me and even if you do I promise that I will never forgive myself," She finishes, realizing that Amanda is drifting off. "C'mon Amanda, stay with me." She says, placing both her hands around her face.

Olivia hears sirens as the ambulance and Fin and Carisi seem to pull up simultaneously. "Where is the son of a bitch! I'm gonna kill him! I Swear I'm going to kill him!" Fin shouts as he takes in the battered and vulnerable appearance of his partner.

"The Unis and all local precincts are on the search." Liv says calmingly as she helps put her barely conscious colleague onto the stretcher. Carisi has tears running down his face as he rushes to Amanda's side.

"It's going to be ok. We are going to find him and you are going to survive this. You are so strong and I will be here for you every step of the way," he whispers, unsure of whether or not his friend can hear him.

"I'll ride with her. You two stay here, make sure the search is on task, then meet us at Mercy," Liv begins.

"No. I'll ride with her. She is my partner and I think you have done quite enough." Fin replies coldly, pushing past Olivia to get in the ambulance.

"I understand that you are angry, but nonetheless you follow my orders detective. I am riding with her and that is final. She is unconscious at the moment and you will see when she is more responsive." Live responds firmly, grabbing Fin's shoulder. "Please, Fin," she adds in a whisper. "I need to make this right."

With that Fin nods blankly. Liv sees Fin and Carisi turn away toward the search team as she boards the bus, grabbing Amanda's ice-cold hands and warming them with the heat of her palms.


End file.
